11:12am

By seeing you and how painful everything is for you, I now understand more and more how painful life on Earth can be.  I need you, mom, to continuously trust that everything will unfold, as it should. 

The important thing is that you continuously walk your path.

Trust your intuition, visions, and dreams, and keep working.  Don’t stop.

You  need to stop torturing yourself about my departure.  Do you hear me?

Absolutely nothing could have changed what had happened.  It was G-d’s will. The only protection is protection by Divine Providence.

I love you mom, but you must listen to Divine Providence.  Accept it and then you will be shown your way. 

I know this way is not always easy, but this is your path and your  trial.  The Divine Providence is testing your dedication and devotion. They say :  the faith that is not tested is an empty faith.  

When you go to Israel, feel it.  Listen to it.  Just go and feel it.

8:15am

Yesterday was quite a day! So much to think about. Trust that G-d loves you and will take care of you.

You do not need to think far ahead, just one breath at a time. Yes, mom, I want you to take a family trip to Israel.

That is awesome. We will talk more.

Love,
Your son.

10:30pm

Mom, don’t worry about a thing. Everything will unfold as intended. Of course it is very challenging to change countries.

I’ve never done that, but you have. Try not to worry about financial issues. Everything else will work out. Sure, I want to see you together with my family and me.

I want our family to survive the challenges we are facing right now.

With all that in mind, I want you to be happy. 

You must choose where your happiness comes from.

Don’t rush; think about it. I am still here, and I will never leave you.

Please don’t be sad, okay? I love you mom, goodnight.

Part 2 covers from 07-04-2008  to 04-07-2009.

If I would be asked to give a name for this period, “Climbing Ladder of My Soul” could be the perfect name. With the devastation of our family, with our younger son now being with G-d and our older son now moving overseas, which was preplanned, I was pushed into the “empty nest” syndrome in the worst way possible.

Or in one of the worst ways possible. Suddenly I had to face a silent house. I never knew that silence can be so loud. It was screaming at me in the high-pitched voice. Night and day. Day and night. All that was creating a vertigo, and I was in the middle of it.

The life I knew was destroyed, and whatever ruins remained, they too were disappearing into thin air as a dust from a sudden bomb explosion. The tornado of changes was hovering over what once was my home, my life. Everything was spinning out of control, including the economy.

Do you remember the crash of 2008? It was crushing us too. My husband’s office was closing down, and my business partner also changed her plans without a single phone call, dropping everything—the project that we were working on, plans, etc.—in the middle!

She, who I thought was my friend and my business partner, after learning about what happened in our family, our son, never phoned me once or showed up. After knowing each other for about 10 years, she evaporated out of my life as a snowflake on a hot day in the busy Los Angeles freeway.

Unfortunately (or fortunately), she was not the only one. I felt as if I was in the middle of a “spring cleaning,” when and where every corner gets vacuumed and all closets are open for reorganization. And whatever does not serve us is taken out.

That is where my struggle of finding my place in this now new-emerging world started. Not only financially and/or professionally, but everything else too . . . at the same time. Not only for me, but for the rest of us. For my husband and for our older son who too was starting everything anew on the other side of the globe. Alone. That was not in our plans as well. 

He was now about to go to the place where the sun rises, leaving us where the sun sets. Each of us had to adjust to a new reality and to new plans. Each of us had to drink our own cup of destiny. A very bitter cup! Till the last drop…

My children and I had a close, honest, and very dear relationship that is rare these days and in this culture. I was very fortunate to have those amazingly beautiful and kind souls in my life as my children.    

My family, my children were my focus and my everything in this life. For them I did everything that I did. For them I woke up and for them I lived. They were my love, my friends, my confidants, my everything. That now was broken.

Now the world was empty, heartless, cold, and meaningless. With a shift of our younger son, I felt that kindness left this realm. Darkness descended upon me, us. I was pushed to my limit.

I think it was 7-06 -08 or 7-07- 08. Night. After midnight. Dark. I was lying on my bed feeling absolutely devastated. I was so devastated that I became numb.

I thought, I am done, I am done. I didn’t know where to go from there. In truth, all the messages that I was receiving did not really touch me. The pain was so overwhelming that almost nothing was coming through. The gravity of the physical reality was winning over the lifting power of my soul that I was able to maintain at that time.

Application of the knowledge given to me or whatever was asked of me became as difficult as bending an iron rod into a bow. I was failing in weaving it into a wreath of my psyche. Making a satin ribbon out of given knowledge was not in the horizons for me. I felt as if it was out of my reach.

Night was settling darker and darker. I could not sleep. I started to feel as if I was falling into a bottomless pit. I was falling down. On my way down, in my free fall, I felt as if I was hitting the wall and rocks, breaking every bone in my body without anyone below to catch me. I did not care.

I felt nauseous from the fall. The pressure around me was changing, and I did not know how deep the hole was. Timeless free fall. How long and how deep was I falling? Who knew that this depth of darkness even existed?

Then it stopped. I landed on something. That something was a very soft cloud of energy. Something was able to catch me and to hold me. Then it, whatever that was, started to talk to me.

The energy had a male voice that sounded like that of a father or grandfather, filled with protection. It said, “Come Home, come Home, we can heal you.”

“Come Home for healing, child. Come Home.”

“Where is Home?” I asked, assuming that it must be Heaven or something along those lines where my son is.

“Come Home, come to Israel,” the voice responded to me.

“Israel?”

I don’t think that I seriously considered Israel my home before. If it is my home, why am I not there? Why at least religious Jewry is not there? Question after question was popping one after another. Why this? Why that? . . . Just as heated-up popcorn.

It would take good several years and lots of soul searching before I would be able to address and answer each and every question on this subject and topic.

You see, the only time I experienced people saying that Israel was my home was in the former USSR, where anti-Semites were writing notes to us saying, “You Jew go Home, go to Israel.” Or just in our face. It was said with hate. With cold chilling hate.

This “new” information that was said with love and warm and care really shook me up. It woke up something inside. Being said by “not human,” not by “enemy,” it brought something new, something that is very difficult to explain. Not everything should be or can be explained.

But it felt very inviting. Accepting. That I could feel. Now I knew that there was a place where I belonged regardless of my condition and/or situation.

Someone was waiting for me. Inviting me. Wanting to help me. To care about me. To heal me. To heal us. That was clear.

Having a home, feeling at home, always was terribly important for me. Always!

Next day, my husband and I went to a bookstore and purchased several books about Israel. My husband trusted my vision. We did not really talk that much about it. We knew that we must go. What we did not know is that all these years we had a point system on our main credit card that was growing with every purchase we made.

We never used it! For almost 25 years! Now it was enough to pay not only for both of our tickets, but for hotels as well. We did not know that we had that! I had no idea that this policy could cover more than just tickets . . . so . . .

On August 18, exactly four months after our son shifted, we were sitting on the plane on our way to Israel where we spent 40 days. We called that “our pilgrimage.” Our son was a huge part of this saga. Including his suggestion when to buy tickets and for how long . . . nothing was really happening without him being involved.

Part 2 is starting with selected collections of the entries from my journals that are telling the story about our pilgrimage and what was taking place as a result of it in the following days.

11:18am 

Mom, you have to understand you must start organizing your life.  You must make decisions on what is important to you. What is really meaningful to you?

What do you want to do everyday and to the end of your days. You have to remember that you still have this life regardless of how difficult everything is.

You need to start to build sooner or later.  And you need to decide what to do with your life.

But not today.

Today, just stay where you are.  Today, just be true to who you are.

Today just deal with what is in front of you. And trust, trust, trust that you are sitting right in the middle of the palm of G-d as he carries and takes care of you.

And whatever he does, he does out of compassion. Hold to the steel of your soul. Keep your balance.

Let the pieces fall as they should. Just remember you are inside of a tornado. Keep Zero Degree of Deviation.  Don’t let illusions, fears, and doubts get a hold of you. Keep breathing.

Keep talking to me. I love you very much.

1:17pm

My dearest, dearest mom.  I want to help you so much. I want to hug you. Only now I can see how you are suffering and struggling.

Only now I see how much pain you hold inside your soul.  Mom, you have to learn how to see that whatever happens is right.

Every movement of every leaf is right. You need to learn how not to allow what is happening and how people are acting affect you.

I know this is very difficult, but it is part of the process. Negativity cannot take hold of you.   You cannot react on everything and everyone.

Your happiness, strength, and balance must come from inside, only from you and Divine Providence.  People are people. Events are events. It cannot feed out of your energy. You must stop this cycle of being a victim.

It must stop now or you will not be able to walk your path. This is a dead end for you. Think about how you can shift this for once and for all.

No running away mom, it will not help. Stay here, and shift. This must be done.

There is no way out from all this.

9:49am

Hi, my dear mom. You are worrying again.  I know that you will never leave me. 

I know that you love me ,but I need to tell you something. I need you to listen to me.

  You could not have changed anything.  You could not have stopped my departure.

 My time was up and I had to go. Do not ask, dig, or blame. Please leave it alone.  Just drop this.

Please do this for me.  I love you and I need you to accept this.  Accept the will of G-d.  Accept it for yourself and me.

Everything step-by-step will unfold, but till then, you need to take care of yourself and do what you can.  I love you always; I am always around you.

9:36am

My dearest mommy I love you very much. Of course I can tell you, do not worry. Everything will be fine. I can see that is not helping you. So, let me tell you something else.

• Mom, allow Divine Providence to love you. Allow Divine Providence to take care of you.
• Allow Divine Providence to help you.
• Trust that you are very much loved.
• Trust that you are good and G-d is good.
• Trust that Divine Providence sees and knows your goodness.

Please trust your son, the son who never lied to you. Trust that what you see with your physical eye is not it. You mom, are not being punished. You are blessed.

You need that trust and patience to see all this to the end. This is what you need to know:

Divine Providence has a plan for you.
Trust that mom. His plan is perfect.
Trust that mom.
It is full of love and compassion.

Mom, listen to me, trust G-d’s care and plan.

People are good, but Divine Providence is stronger than everyone else. In terms of Divine Providence, do not fear anything; do not hold on to anything.