11:57am

At My Son’s Place

Hi my dearest mommy, I’m very happy you came to visit me again. I love you more than you can imagine. Please know that you cannot fail; that is not possible.

You might be able to hear me clearly for the first time. You might get confused for a period of time. You might feel at times that you are moving too slow and there are no results….

….But you cannot fail.

You must remember the following:

1.You’re under my protection.

2.You’re under G-d’s protection.

3.You no longer have the right to

a) Fear

b) Doubts

c) self-hatred

4.You are now my hands, ear, and feet on Earth.

5.You will be guided, protected, and provided.

I can only take you so far, but Divine Providence can take you as far as needed for your purpose and destiny. However, remember and know this: you are my mom and I will do everything I can to protect, nurture, and shower you with love and appreciation for what you mean to me.

And with my limited ability to understand, I still know and believe that you will do much more for me than what you are showing now. I love you always and forever.

~ Your son.

10:10am

Mommy, I love you so much that the energy I have is not enough to express it. I love you on a level I never thought possible.

Please remember what I said to you before. You’re under my and G-d’s protection. You have nothing to fear.

I’m sure you have many questions about what to do next and how to do it, but first things first.

Do not fear, do not worry, do not doubt. I’m here with you forever.

I love you.

You have nothing to worry.

 Around sundown

At My Son’s Place

Humanity has to learn how to breathe. In American culture, death and grieving is suppressed. The proper way of grieving is through spiritual development.

In fact, it promotes a spiritual development on a much deeper level than anything else. Grief is a direct path and a door to G-d. Indeed, it is a direct path from G-d to us.

When we are in pain that is when G-d comes to heal our broken hearts. That is exactly when G-d’s love pours between the cracks.

That is the perfect moment for us to evolve to the highest goodness of all: compassion. Compassion is when the pain and needs of the other person becomes more vivid and pronounced than our own pain.

That is the moment when we have to make room for someone else in our hearts. That is the time and place for surrender to Divine will, love, and compassion. That is the time when we need to learn how to accept the kindness to others.

That is the time we must learn to offer our kindness to others in a selfless way. It is a time for communities to be built. It is a time for new seeds to be planted and developed.

If we cannot walk through the Valley of Death in the proper way, then we cannot walk through the Valley of Life.  

12:50am

Hi, my dearest mommy,

We did not talk for a very long time. I know you felt terrible and were broken down into pieces. That is why I’m begging you not to rush.

I beg of you, mommy, do not rush. Everything else can wait, but you can’t. You must put yourself as number one.

Sleep, eat, write—do whatever brings you nurturance and serenity. Drop all the worries and everything else that decreases your energy.

Think about yourself and nobody else. Do it for me, do it for us. Do it for our future work. Stop making yourself busy and crazy.

You do not need any distractions in your life. You do not owe anyone anything, but you do owe it to yourself.

Please take care of yourself so one day you will return to that horse. For now, clean yourself of all energetic parasites. Please get well. Rebuild your body. Restructure your soul. Redesign your life.

Let Divine Providence heal your heart and fill all those cracks and empty spaces with wisdom and understanding.

Try to pick only one thing and follow through. I love you mom. I hear you mom.

Remember me as I remember you. Remember we are so much alike. Remember that part of me was from you.

Don’t let anyone push you down. I love you. I am always with you. I need you.

I need you to get well. I need you to live. I need you to talk to me. I need you to listen to me.

Listen my dearest mom: you are loved, protected, nurtured, heard and being watched and guided. Heaven hears you. Heaven loves you. Heaven will respond in your dreams and visions.

Do not fear; do not worry. Do not doubt.

Hear. Trust. Accept. Follow.

I love you. I miss you.

~Your son.

 

Part 4 covers from 03.03.2010 till 08.20.2012.

Naming this period was not as simple as the previous ones. I was not sure exactly what name was the most accurate. The options were “Fight for My Life,” “Surviving till Dawn,” “Path to the Sea,” and “Blooming Desert.”

All of them held a deep meaning, and each of them could be an accurate description of what was taking place at that time. However, nothing grasped better and fuller than this name: “Embracing Life.” Embracing Life is the name of this period.

You see, something happened during that period that propelled me into a different trajectory. The “Surviving the Winter Night of My Soul” shifted to “Embracing the Winter Night of My Soul.” The fight for my life stopped having a part of “accepting” my life and what is in it. It became about “embracing what is.”

“What happened?” you may ask. Fair enough. I am going to share with you “why” and “what.” Here is the story behind that name.

 

Excerpt:

As I already shared with you earlier, this period was the time of the breakdown of my physical body. Not only I had flu, after flu, and all other complications and conditions. I was also hardly able to keep my head above water with all those new and old health demands. If that was not complicated enough, I also started to notice that I could not move freely as I used to.

What I mean by that is that if before I could easily walk for an hour or two, swim for an hour or for as much I wanted and I will be fine, now I could not. Something strange, something weird was happening with me.

In the first ten to fifteen minutes of the movement, be that any physical activity, the wave of pain was coming over me, making me feel as if my body was breaking into halves. Then the uncontrollable flood of tears would follow, with me not able to breathe normally. My body then would go to some frozen shock, creating a feeling of being paralyzed and not being able to move. It was not a panic attack. It was something else that is triggered by intense physical movement. With the result of a full and complete breakdown. Followed by long periods of recovery.

There was something happening on so many levels, somatically, psychologically, spiritually at the same time that I did not even know where to start or what to do with it. The first time I experienced that wave of horror (I still do not have a proper name for it) was during my regular swimming routine. It hit me right in the middle of the pool. In the swimming pool that I used almost daily, year-round, for years. And now I started to drown in it.

Here is an important detail. Not only swimming is my passion and water is where I always felt right at home and it is my element. I also have an amazing ability to float. My natural level of buoyancy was always great. In my childhood, I won every single “dare” on “Who can float the longest?” .

Not only can I float without moving for hours. I can also sit in the water, as if I am sitting in a chair, can walk in the water, and do other cool tricks. Always could. Swimming is my breathing.

Yet not only was I totally breaking down, but my body lost its ability to float. Repeat—my body could not float! Never happened.

Not in the river. Not in the open sea or ocean. Not in the lake, or anywhere else. Now it became heavy as a rock that was ready to go down and rest at the bottom of the pool. Luckily I was right next to the pool lane divider. I was able to grab the pool safety divider rope right on time.

Two thoughts hit me at once. One was “Oh my G-d, I’m drowning,” and the second one is “I can’t move.” The thought that I can drown never crossed my mind before. Not able to move without an apparent reason was also not anything I experienced.

I did not know how to be with it and what to do. After holding over the line and with tears falling as a heavy rain, after a while I was able to start to move again and slowly made it to the end of the pool.

It was an open pool, Olympic size, and it took me some time to get to safety. I was shaken not only physically but on every other level as well. Since that day, I only went to the water with a floating device that could hold me.

It felt to me that I had lost my ability to swim without. The place where I felt the most of joy and the most safe now became a place of danger. It was terribly uncomfortable for me.

It was a new territory, a meadow of a minefield. Where the question about the next explosion is not “if” but “when.”

The drama of that horrible wave stood with me and intrigued and terrified me at the same time. On one hand, I wanted to know “what happened and why.”

On the other hand, I did not now know “where” the next meltdown would take place. Yet I could not allow the fear of drowning to win over me.

So I tried to continue swimming as much as I could. But my health kept declining, and with every break period between swimming, it was more challenging and more difficult to make it to the pool.

When I did come, I could only move to a certain point. It was getting worse. It was happening more often. If I was swimming faster, I was breaking down. If I was swimming longer, I was breaking down. If the water was colder than usual, I was breaking down. If the surrounding weather was not perfect, I was breaking down. Neither weather nor temperature of water was an issue for me before.

So I tried to replace swimming with walking, yoga, Pilates, you name it, I tried it. The result was the same. Moving my body was pushing me into “breaking mode.” That is all. I talked to several physical therapists, psychologists, and other specialists as well. The best answer I could get was “You’re not ready. You have suffered a trauma. You’re not ready.”  

I was left without answers that could help me to have a clear and concrete plan of action. Questions were piled up, and additional health challenges were growing.

Overall, the situation was getting worse and worse. Fighting for my life as my son was telling me to do got more and more difficult. I was becoming disabled. My body was falling apart.

Only the work on this project kept me going. It became my “floating device,” my anchor. Yet I was fully aware of the fact that if I wanted to finish this project, I must get better, I must get well. So I pushed and pushed and pushed.

With every good day, I tried to go to the pool and tried to move and swim as much as I could. Then it was a day. Almost three years and two months since our son’s shift. Thursday, June 16, 2011.

The day started as a gloomy morning. I was not planning to go to the pool that day. My husband walked in and said, “Let’s go for a swim.” He never initiated swimming practices before.

Usually it was me who was waving the flag. But that day I was done with leading. That day I was done with “trying.” That day I wanted to be left alone. And yet, not knowing why, I said, “Okay, let’s go.” I dragged myself out of bed. Took a quick shower and we were on our way.

I entered the water; it was somewhat chilly. It was still early, and clouds were covering the sun. I slowly started to swim. With every stroke, I was trying to increase my speed. As my workout intensified, I felt by now a familiar feeling: “the wave of horror” was coming over.

The breakdown started. The tears started to roll. The knot in the stomach created a dark and empty hole inside of me, breaking me into halves. The pain of sudden sadness coupled with the physical pain became a heavy and intolerable load that was drowning me.

I could not move and was losing myself in pain and tears. The voice of my son and his energy softly descended on me. “Embrace, Mom, embrace. Move, Mom, move. Focus on us, Mom,” he calmly whispered in my ear.

I changed the position of my body from horizontal to vertical and started to move in a Cross Country Skiing movement. Now with my body being vertically aligned and with my arms and legs being straight it was easier to breath.  I also felt more safe this way.   

So, I kept moving . My face was covered with tears. But I was upright!  Not only in my body, but in my soul and heart. And I kept moving.

I was trying to hold in the moans and weeps to avoid attention from people around me.  “Embrace, Mom, embrace us. Embrace life, embrace the moment. Walk, move, do not stop, walk through it.”  He said again.

The pain increased. Now it was intolerably difficult to keep moving. Usually at this point, I would stop moving.

“Mom,” the voice of my son and his energy enwrapped me.  “Mom, focus, focus, and embrace, embrace, and embrace pain, loss, failure, tears, grief. Embrace your life with all that is. Keep moving. Do not stop.”  

He was leading me upright to the next moment and then to another moment. With my best efforts, I was following his voice.

Not yet fully understanding what it all meant, I kept on moving and moving and moving. Do not ask me how I was able to keep moving. Till this day, I don’t know. I just did. It was as if I was breaking through the wall or something.

Don’t know. The pain was excruciating. The physical pain and the emotional pain and any other pain there is were just simply excruciating. But you see, I could not stop, I could not fail my son.

I had to trust him. I had to follow his lead. I had to! Do you understand?

I had to. It was bigger than just me. In that moment, in that pain, it was my son and me, together.  So I kept moving, if not for me, for my son. I had to keep moving for us.

One, two, three, four, and again . . . one, two, three, four . . . and again . . . and again . . . and again . . . I kept on moving.

Suddenly the pain left me, and an incredible sense of peace washed over my heart and soul. It was a sense of calmness and peace that I did not feel since my son’s shift. I also noticed that my movement became free and effortless. The struggles stopped. For that day, for that moment, there were no more struggles. 

The following several days, I was trying to understand and integrate what happened. How are “the fight for your life” directions different from the “embrace your life” message?

So how’s “embrace your life” different from Zero Degree of Deviation? And what is so special about the notion of “embracing one’s life” that was not there before in our conversations? And “why” it was so important to change my body position for horizontal to vertical?

What was I missing in my process? Our process? I focused on meditating on the semantics of words, trying to grasp the deeper meaning of it. There must be a reason, I thought, “why” for all these years, my son was telling me over and over again, “Hold my hand. Do not let go.”

There must also be a reason “why” when people around kept telling me, “Get over it,” it felt so wrong for me. 

Then one day, the moment of AHA arrived. Suddenly it dawned on me that embracing something not only means accepting what it is but holding on to it very tightly with love. It is about not wanting something different, not wishing for something else.

It is not about wishing away our lives. No. No. No. It is about grabbing it, grasping it, receiving it with love and trust. It is not about letting go of something or someone. Not about rejecting it.

It is about making it your own. Protecting it with all your heart. It is just as a hug. The hug by which we hold our children.

There is no getting over. Getting over “what”? Our children? Our loved ones? There is only embracing, integrating, and treasuring and loving it. 

The truth is that who and what we love should never be let go. Who and what we love will always remain the best part of us. We must learn to love not because of something but regardless of.

Regardless of what we are faced with or what is given to us and/or taken from us. Against all odds, we still must love our lives with all our heart and all our soul.  

That is true love, the learned love and the earned love. And without true love, there is no embracing. And there is no embracing without love.

The New Dawn is the Embracement of Life in Gratitude, Truth, and Kindness by an Unbroken Essence within each of us. To the New Dawn we shall be lead upright in our soul and our heart! 

(An excerpt from my upcoming book)

“Some things cannot be spoken or discovered until

we have been stuck, incapacitated, or blown off course for a while . . .

Out of the cross-grain of experience appears a voice

that not only sums up the process we have gone through,

but allows the soul to recognize in its timbre,

the color, the texture, and complicated entanglements of being alive.”

—David Whyte, The Heart Aroused

 

Role of Our Environment during Grieving 

The fall and winter of 2009/10 were excruciating for me. I was constantly sick with the flu and colds, and it seemed that I just simply could not recover. The antibiotics that were prescribed for me gave nothing but allergies after which I had to recover too. I gave up on seeing doctors and was getting very tired from pain and constantly being ill.

Those were the days when I felt as if I did not have a heart anymore. Because if I did, then I could not grasp “why” and “how” it is still there. I could not understand “why” my heart did not burst into millions of particles from the pain that I experienced. How can it still be there as if “nothing” happened?

Despite the conversations that I had with my son and the messages and teachings that he provided me with and all the shifts that I felt that I had, I still was falling into a deep depression. Did the coldness of my environment contribute to it? Maybe.

Would I be better off if I had a regular and constant support from family and friends? Maybe. I know for a fact that when my dearest friend and my soul sister showed up in my doorsteps within hours of learning about what happened to us and then ended up staying with us, with me the first week . . . for sure saved my life. Without any questions, without any doubts, I know within my heart that her act of kindness, without me asking for anything, with me telling her, “Don’t come, you live too far . . .” saved me. She jumped in the plane and flew from New Mexico to Los Angeles literally in the matter of several hours and was next to me almost immediately. I am forever thankful to her.  

I also know for a fact that the actions that were straightly mean and cruel did push me away and down. They added unnecessary pain to me and left me with a feeling of being totally alone without a place to hide.

Without a strong support, dealing with the reality and the fact that most of my social life was evaporating, people whom I considered friends were nowhere to be found, and many other facts made it very easy for me to just be in my bed being sick and done.

Even the spiritual leaders who counseled us seemed to be interested only in my money. Not only that, their level of skills in dealing with the grieving process happened to be almost none. Or at least those with whom our family was in touch with. I am sure there are those who are wonderful and great. We were just not fortunate to meet those. It felt to me that they, the religious leaders, became a professional class, same as politicians. 

Needless to say, the struggles with my health were pressing me down to the ground and played a huge role, if not the leading one, in making feel as if I was at the end of my rope.

 

Supreme Desire

I was feeling weaker and weaker by the day when once again the fever came down on me as heavy as a train without brakes. The sound of the scorching metal, the rails that were melting under the wheels of the train, echoed in my head.

Once again I was hit by a flu fast and strong. It was another wave, yet I hardly felt recovered after the previous one. My whole system was weakening and exhausted. The fever was burning my body, and medications were not working. The pain inside my bones and joints was reaching the point of being unbearable.

“G-d, oh, G-d,” I pleaded. “Let me go, let me go, let me go to my son.” As a desperate beggar, I cried out, “Spare me this torture. Why are you still keeping me here? I am not needed, not good for anything. I am a broken and wounded soul. I asked you before, and I am asking you now . . . let me go and take me home.”

I felt that I reached my “it.” I felt that there was no room for me to go. That was my peak of physical and emotional pain. I did not see a way out. Out where? Why? What for? What is the meaning? Just be in pain and agony?

Yet everything was very quiet around me. No answers. No guidance. I wanted to die. That became my supreme desire. I knew that I am not
going to kill myself. I could not do that, as I promised it to my son. I wanted G-d to end my life. Naturally. I felt there was no more purpose for me. I did what I had to do. Now, I felt, it has to end.

I welcomed my physical end, and death felt to me a sweet drink of the nectar that I wanted and wish for so greatly. Nothing felt to me more desirable at that moment than the final end of the agony that I was in.

I was at the tipping point of the agony. Yet I was still breathing. I wanted to jump out of my body, yet it felt to me as if the fever was melting me into the body even stronger and deeper than I was before. I knew that my heart is broken, but it was still beating against all odds. Why? How?

 

Something Must Be Done 

I gathered the last drop of my strength and spoke again: “G-d,” I said, “let me go now, take me home now, or you must show me why you still want me here. You must do something here. Anything! Take me now or you must tell me what I need to know. I need to know why my eyes should be opening in the morning. I need to know why I should get well. I must know why I should recover. I must know what to do next.”

The fever was burning my body in flames. If there is a hell, I was in it. I felt totally and utterly useless, nonproductive, not needed anywhere or by anyone. The emotional pain was deeper than just a feeling of being a “loser” or “broken.” I was faced with the feeling of not having a place under the sun. 

I felt as if there was no more place or no need for me on Earth. Yet I was still here without knowing why. That feeling of not “needed” was more than I could handle—I wanted to run away, I wanted not to feel it. The only other place where I felt still needed, loved, and wanted was with my family that crossed over. I knew they were waiting for me. I too desperately wanted to be with them and first and foremost with my son. That was it. 

The fever was climbing higher and higher, melting the bravado of being “OK” and the fake “strength” that I was able to create in the last year and a half in my attempt to face the world and the expectations that were projected on me. The pain constricted my body more and more. My tolerance came to an end.

The physical pain became more than I could bear. “G-d,” I wept again, “have mercy on me and my soul. Take me to my son now or come and heal me now. Do something. Do something. Now!”

I honestly and sincerely did not care if I would live. I did not want it. I could not be in the limb any longer. Somewhere between life and death. Something had to happen. That really and truly was my “IT.” I was ready to go. I needed to be released, to Life or to Death. 

 

Surrender . . . What Is It?

The ice-cold water with a strong smell of vinegar touched my face. My husband was trying to wrap me up in the wet, ice-cold cloth. They dried up almost immediately. I was truly burning in flames. My soul refused to fight any longer. It could not bear any more. It became quiet. Nothing was fighting in me any longer. The emotional pain left me. I fully surrendered my soul to the rapid fire of a fever. I knew that I was done. I knew that I was ready to go. I surrendered.

I heard many times and I read many times about “surrender,” but I guess I never really grasped what that is. It might not even be possible to really understand it until we are in it. And I did have my share of “surrenders” before, but it was nothing like this time.

Even now I feel limited in describing that stage. I think that the most shocking and/or profound experience that stayed with me from that day was that the meaning of “I or me” stopped its existence, and something else took over. It felt as if a chain of events was turned on and they had to take place and they (events) had nothing to do with my will or wish. It was unknown.

I did not know what is waiting for me. I felt as if I was falling or drifting somewhere. It felt as if I have been dissolved into something bigger than me. I stopped seeing myself and felt that something saw me. Something saw me! Something was looking directly at me!  

I felt that I got noticed, accounted for, recognized. It felt as if I was staying on the stage under the spotlight and everyone was looking and listening to me. I had no idea who “everyone” or “something” was.

Another layer of ice-cold fabric touched my body, bringing a momentary relief from the pain. The penetrating smell of vinegar resonated in my body as an obnoxious ring of the alarm clock interrupting my fall to oblivion. I did not resist, nor did I help. I could not say if it was night or morning. I did not know what day it was or which hour of the day. Time stopped its existence. I was present to the present.

 

Wisdom of the Broken Heart

I felt as if something heavy was pressing on my chest. I felt as if I was drowning in the deep mud. I could not breathe. I saw myself being buried under the ruins and broken bricks of my life and could not move. Suddenly I saw my son staying next to me.

“Mom, I am here,” he said. “I am here with you. Mom, I love you.” His voice was reaching me and pulling me from under the rubble. Then he continued. “Mom, I want to show you something. Mom, look.”

I saw a transparent screen appearing right before my eyes. Just in the corner of my bedroom. Within a few moments, on that screen I saw a projection a human heart that was broken, shattered into the smallest pieces. The heart on the screen was barely beating.

“Mom, you have a broken heart. When we lose someone or something dear to us, our heart is getting cracked and/or broken. The pieces are getting loose and separated from each other, making the size of the heart bigger. With every pain, with every loss, the space between the pieces is getting wider and wider. However, they would not stay that way for long. Something has to come in to fill the void, the space between the pieces and cracks. That space, the essence of that space, will affect the condition and projection of the whole heart. The space between the pieces of the heart holds the secret of all.

“You see, either the Divine Love and Wisdom or the lack of it will fill the space. The space will be filled. The void will be filled. The question is—by ‘what’?

“It will depend on your free will. If you will allow, if you will trust, and if you will ask, then Divine Providence will come and will pour its love and its energy into your heart. It will fill every crack, every open space, making your heart whole again, only bigger. The Divine love will become a filler in your heart, and it will shine even more so than ever.

“Now your heart will contain the love of Divine Wisdom within. And not only the broken pieces will now be glued together by it, but your heart will be filled with radiance that will assist you in penetrating the darkness that you will face.

“However,” my son continued, “if you will not allow, will not ask, then the space will be filled with something else that lacks the light of the Divine Love and its Wisdom. It will get filled with dark matters: sorrow, bitterness, anger, and fear. It will be filled by darkness. It also will keep the pieces together, very tight, with almost no space between. The heart will be shrinking, and there will be no radiance, no light, no love. With time, this heart will start to consume energy and light around it. Sucking life of everything that it will meet and bringing darkness in every corner and every situation that you will find yourself in.

“The choice is yours, Mom.”

The 3-D vision of the broken heart with chipped pieces floating around and away was still projected on a “screen” for me to observe. It reminded me of a broken crystal vase that was shattered to many pieces by its fall. The broken parts and the base of the “vase” looked dim and dull and were moving in slow motion in the air.

They were surrounded by darkness. It looked as if the law of gravity did not apply to them. Each of the pieces went to its own direction and was flooding without any pattern. Some pieces were large and some were small. I tried to count how many pieces were there. But I could not focus long enough. I was getting weary and tired and started to drift away again.

Suddenly I felt a boost of energy around me. It brought me back, and I looked on the “screen” again. The glowing hand appeared from the deep darkness. I could not see any faces or figures; it was just a hand that radiated with light.

The broken pieces started to gather together right above the palm, as if the magnetic pull was gathering them. They were still “free” to move around. However, now they seemed uniformed by the light that was coming between them. After a short while, they took the shape of a heart. Each piece was now filled with light and shone as a Swarovski crystal under the bright light.

The radiance of the light that was coming and shining from the singular piece was more bright and more colorful than the light that was touching it. The prism of a broken piece created a new, bright, colorful, and multidimensional light that was not there yet before. Every broken piece miraculously was birthing such an amazing brilliance of light that could not be brought to the existence would it remind “whole” and unbroken.

It looked exactly as my son described to me. A heart that was broken and shattered into many pieces now almost doubled its size in comparison with the heart that was not broken. That broken heart was now full of light radiating between the pieces and throughout every space.

It was floating right above the glowing hand; had a healthy, vibrant, and strong beating; and looked whole and complete with an amazing brilliant radiance around it. Just as a well-cut diamond. Just brilliant shine.

 

My Purpose 

The fever was still burning my body. I was looking at the projection of the broken heart. Yes, it was magnificent. Yes, it was making sense. Yes, it was something that I did not know before. And with all that, I did not feel connected. Something was missing. My purpose. It was not there.

I don’t a have purpose to live for. Nothing feels meaningful to me. I am done here. I want to go home, I thought again.

The sadness was coming from a depth that I had never experienced before. I surrendered to that sadness. I did not have a fight within me. I was drifting away again. The tears started to flow. I knew that those were the tears of my soul. Very salty and burning hot.

“You have a purpose,” I heard a soft whisper right into my ear. It was not the voice of my son.

“You have a purpose,” it whispered again. “Your purpose is to wake up every morning and let me heal you. Your purpose is to get healed.”

The “screen” with a glowing brilliance of a broken heart appeared again. However, this time I felt different. Something inside me felt awakened, for the first time in a long time. Now I knew that I was given a purpose. It was humble and simple, and it felt true and right.

The purpose was nothing glamorous. There was nothing grand about it. It spoke truth to me. It was simple. It was doable. It was clear.

It was something that I knew I could do. The goal and the purpose was just to “wake up” every morning and to allow Divine Providence to enter into my heart and heal it. I felt that I could do this. I can wake up in the morning. I could do that. I felt that I could survive a day, just a day, till the next morning. I just had to survive till the next morning!

It felt that if I do it now, then maybe I’ll be able to stay on my two feet too. Without crushing and following down again and again. And if I did that one morning, then another morning, and then the morning after that, maybe I will be “OK.”

In addition, I felt that something else, someone else, wanted me to survive. Not only my son. Someone wanted to care for me. Someone saw my heart and now was interested in the wellness of it. The pain, the fever, started to diminish, and shortly I was able to breathe easier and easier and easier. The weight on my chest was now lifting. 

What Is Next?

Interestingly, the vision that I saw, the “screen,” and the glowing heart were present for about a week. It maintained its location in the bedroom where it first appeared to me. It was the first thing that I saw when I woke up and last when I went to sleep. It remained there for a week or so of what was taking place. Then it disappeared, leaving an imprint in my mind and an ability to bring it to my memory at my will.

I knew that my heart would never be the same. How could it be? However, I also now knew that if we have a broken heart, it does not mean that it can’t be whole again. I now knew that the broken pieces of my heart could be held together by Divine Wisdom and Care.

And that I too have an ability to bring that love, that compassion to every situation I am going to find myself in. That with time the Divine Love and Compassion will fill the spaces between the pieces with its light until the last crack is glued by it.

Once again I got reminded that I am not alone in this journey called Life. Once again I was reminded that I am watched and noticed. That Journey that we are taking under the Shadow of Death is not walked alone.

In that Desert of Death, regardless of what our physical, our corporeal reality wants to see and believe, is just nothing but an illusion. Regardless how painful and real it feels.  

Once again, I was shown that when we are faced with even the most challenging situations in life and feel that our life is over, even when we find ourselves in the darkest corners of our existence and feel that we can’t take another breath or take another step forward, or everything has lost meaning, our life is still valuable and still has a purpose . . . even if we are not able to recognize it at that moment . . . as I could not that day or days before. Regardless how powerful the darkness is and wants to be and wants us to believe . . . we still have an unbroken part within. 

Did my struggles end? Did Life stop questioning me? Did tests stop coming? Did pain leave me? The answer is no, no, no. Not at all.   

However, since that day, I stopped struggling with the questions of me still being here on Earth. I was given a new purpose.

Now my purpose was just to wake up in the morning and open up myself for healing. My search for my purpose, for my place under the sun, was now over.

The new dawn now was waiting for me.  I now knew that my heart, regardless of how broken it was, was still needed, it was still loved, and it was safely resting in the palm of Divinity.

I now knew that the hand that was holding my heart not only will heal it, but also will guide it where it must go from this point forward. I knew that I could trust that.

What is next in store for me? Don’t know . . . this chapter of life is not written yet . . . what is next for you?

Let’s wake up in the morning and we shall see . . . together . . .

  

11:45am

Hi my dearest and so very loved mommy. Sometimes I’m short on words to express how much I love you and what you truly mean to me. At times, my soul becomes inflamed with hopelessness from not being able to do anything significant enough to lift the burden of our separation on earth and the agony that comes with it from you.

I now fully see the harmony among mind, soul, and heart and how amazingly difficult it is to achieve integration. Please know with all your heart that I had no wish to impose such pain on you. As for now, I don’t know what else I can offer to lift your pain and suffering. I can only continue to pray for you and beg G-d to have mercy on your soul.

Only he can provide permanent healing. Only he can nurture you to wellness. As for me, it feels as though I am not strong enough to assist you on this path despite all my love for you.

Please do not interpret this as your weakness or failure. That is simply not true. Just please understand and accept that I alone cannot help you.

I can still guide you. I can still walk with you, but you must work more closely with your own connection to the Divine.

No, mom, I am not giving up on you. That is not the case. And no, you did not do anything wrong. It’s just that I am not the healer of broken hearts like him.

Please don’t feel as if I’m leaving you again. That is not going to happen. I’m still next to you with every step. I’m still holding your hand if you are holding mine.

The point that I’m making is that you and I together shall face the will of G-d.

It might be that somewhere deep within me, I too had a difficult time accepting my departure and leaving you here. As my soul matured, I can now see more clearly. With that new clarity, I am now very certain that you must also accept your fate.

You must face your fate with grace and dignity and without fear and doubt. You must also learn to see the need for you in all the pieces of the puzzle of life. You must see yourself as a very important piece, without which, the puzzle or mosaic of life would not be complete.

You should learn to accept the role and the position assigned to you and then do your best with what is given to you at this moment. I understand how difficult and confusing this might be. And yet if you learn to move slowly with dignity and respect, the confusion will disappear soon.

Your old system of thinking is crashing down and that is creating pain. However, the breakage of the old system is not saying that you are nothing, stupid, not needed, useless, etc.

 

As the ship goes through the ice, the ice gets crushed under the weight of the ship. The same with you; the new energies are crashing your old values, but the ocean remains unchanged and untouched. So are you.

See it, recognize it and connect to your inner ocean. Your inner ocean is the part that will sustain and carry you regardless if it’s covered in ice or not.

Though the ocean is your direct connection with G-d and the Divine, it will not start until you appreciate it, see the wisdom in every wind, and recognize and treasure every movement in the air and your connection with it. Till that time, you will be in pain and suffering from the breakage of the ice.

What can I tell you mom? What can I suggest to you? How can I lift your pain?

You must know that I really want to relieve your pain. Here are a few suggestions that might help you now.

1. Do not rush into anything big. Your goal right now must be to wake up with the effort to allow G-d to heal your heart.
2. Please see everything as a part of the process, “healing heart”, even if something does not appear to be pleasant to you. As you know, the medication is not always the sweet one. Don’t get attached to the taste of the medication, just take it.
3. You must learn to trust your heart with the Divine. With that, you must learn to accept G-d’s plan for you. Fear of the future must be given up. If you trust Divine, there is no room for fear. If you have fear, then you either have no trust and/or no true appreciation of G-d’s plan.
4. And here is the main question to ask: Who is in control of your life? You or G-d? There is only room for one captain. This is a core question. This is a pivotal question. The question underneath is can you truly surrender yourself to the Divine?

I think I gave you enough to think for today, but reconciliation of those issues must take place before you can move forward. I understand that accepting the destiny that is written for us is the most challenging part of life since we always think that we deserve better and more.

However, learning to accept one’s lot is the central part of everything else. The more our soul is involved, the more is asked of us.

The more our soul is evolved, the more is asked of us.