Lunar Year

1:10 a.m. ( exactly one moon year from my son’s shift)

My dearest mommy, thank you so much for listening, hearing, and loving me. Please do not be angry with me for not telling you any specifics in regards to my departure. I beg you to understand me. At this time, I cannot take you to where I am. And that is number one.

It is not up to me to take you with me even if I wanted that. Trust me, sometimes when I see your pain, I really want to take you with me.

Number two, you still have a job here to do, and we need you here. I need you here. It will all be given to you on a need-to-know basis. However I can tell you this much, you need to hang in there even when it feels impossible. And you must know the following. 

I was not taken from you so you would be punished. I was called for a higher job and I need you on earth so we can work together.

I love you very much so.  You have a long day ahead of you. Be strong.


Note: On this day, we were unveiling his headstone. There’s not much to say about it other than it was an unbearably painful experience. In the next two months, I rarely spoke in writing with my son, and I was trying to finish teaching a semester online. 

After unveiling, I emotionally became frozen. I think it’s because I was focusing on creating the headstone in the last few months, and after it was done, it felt like I had nothing else to do for my son. It was the most horrible feeling.

Emotionally and physically, it felt as if I had just finished a marathon: exhausted and empty. I still was speaking with my son, but not writing. The messages were all about the same things, not much new. So I will only share a few. 

  1. He asked me to talk to him every day, but I could not (in writing).
  2. He told me that when I’m in this frozen state, it is difficult for him to communicate with me.
  3. He constantly reminded me that G-d has a plan for me and I need to accept that plan now and live accordingly. (It was difficult for me to hear that his leaving was preplanned.)
  4. He constantly asked me to develop inner stability, but I could not.
  5. He asked me to be more structured, but I could not.
  6. He asked me to focus on my needs, but I could not. IMG_0997

Not only was I feeling that I failed to do everything he asked me to do, but I also got terribly ill by the end of the semester. That started my downfall.

I was entering the Winter Night of my Soul. It was terribly dark and cold . . .

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